Yesterday was just an everyday kind of day, so quiet and good. Home until the late afternoon, we did school-y stuff by the fire and read books and ate soup, then went to the thrift store and with minimal stress came home ready to be costumed for Halloween. It rained off and on, as it has most days lately, and even though I have a few piles of winter squash to go grab and some perennials and trees I need to plant and green tomatoes to harvest, I have taken a BIG break from the garden these past few weeks. It takes a different momentum to get out and work in the rain, even when I know from experience that it is almost always as nice as working under the hot summer’s sun. I have really just needed some down time, some sit in my living room time. It’s been good.
I’m not sure if it is the turning of the seasons, the quiet force of rainy days, or the pull of the cosmos, but there has been a whole lot of introspecting happening over here. This is how my mind works as it is, but the never ending analysis of life and all that it encompasses can lead to many places and it isn’t always so self centered. There is just this heavy weight that wants lifting, and I can’t help but feel like now is the time. It is not exactly liftable, but I am graced like never before with a refusal to let it be a burden anymore.
The air is so fine, each moment I breath it in, I don’t want to waste any of it.
We all know that feeling. We know we should really be living with it as our mantra at all times; but life is life and we are all human and so many of us were raised by broken people who inadvertently broke us a little bit too. It can be hard to take hold of each moment, for whatever that moment is, and just live it. Live it without the voices in our head, without the pain of the past, without the worry over the future, just live it. Without judgement of ourselves or of others blurry-ing the clear moment of time we are standing in.
Hard–even impossible–at least at every moment, save for those highly evolved souls amongst us. But I’m fine with my ordinary self and my everyday life, I know that just being here and experiencing it makes me and it extra-ordinary, even if I fail, repeatedly, to do each bit right.
Do you know that, really, about yourself, deep down?
Because knowing it, and embracing it, and being ok with it all, it helps you keep going. It helps me, at least, say to myself and the world, I will take a little more of that. I deserve a little more of that.
And I will give a little more of that too. I am afraid, but I won’t let that stop me.
Everyday. Everyday. Everyday.